Broken Road

Kids, when you're 22, you will have a lot of relationships before you finally settle down. Many of which will failed and ended, and that's just part of growing up. Each person that you're in a relationship with is different. Different human, different body, different way of thinking, different experiences and stories. So each person always taught you something new from the relationships. A lesson that you will never learn with anybody else. But weirdly, each relationships always have the same template. Same steps, same phases. But just... Different results.

I've been in a couple relationships with a couple of colleagues at work, a couple of friends at community, but never with someone at university.

He was in the same class as me on one of my Psych class. It was a mixed class, so he who was in the 6th semester class was with my class in the 2nd semester. We only have 3 offline classes, before the Covid-19 happened and changed us to online classes.

When online classes begin to start, he asked me about an assignment, that was our first encounter. His first impression was kinda nice and kind. And with that impression, supports the idea of me seeing him as someone that I can see as my mentor. So I began to ask him about a lot of my assignments too. And after the trusts that grew between us, we began to talk personally.

So we entered the getting to know phase. He's a tutor. He's smart and genuine. He's spiritual too I think. He's nice, he supports a lot. He doesn't mind to spend his time helping someone. He's wise and mature. But with enough amount of sarcastic. And he fricking watched HIMYM. Of course, it wasn't long until I see him as my ideal man.

Until the ultimate one fact reveals.

He's 14 years older than me. When I thought he was only 2-3 years above me.

Of course it made me think. I never have a friendly gesture with someone in that line of generation before. I mean, I worked with many, but all of them are already married and only see me as a clueless kid. And it makes sense. I'm a decade below them. But he, he sees me differently. He sees what's really in me, and what I can become. So I'd think age gap doesn't really matter. That is of course, until what happened today. (We'll get that in a minute)

We began to develop a friendship, I guess. We began to talk almost everyday. He always makes a conversation, and sometimes so did I. And he... He always does this thing when he asked about how I am. Constantly. And it was more than the attention giving gestures of all my friends combine.

I don't know about you, but of course, as always, I see it as a mixed signals.

It was exciting to go to (online) class because I can see him.
I begin to tell my best friends about him, even my mom.
I'd write about him. And sing a song that's meant for him.
I'd be so proud about him.

And then, at some point he called me. And I answered. It was our first phone call.

We had a 4 hours conversation. And I noticed something... Odd.

Something that I can't quite describe.

But you know, when you begin to develop feelings for someone. There's always the blind spot.
That is probably always there, but you just don't address it. Sometimes even, you don't want to address it. So I did ignore that big sign that I'd need in the future.

After the phone call, I still feel kinda weird. I'm skipping our class, because it's still uncomfortable to see him.
And the following week, I begin to avoid him, a little. Until we had our next class. But that time I felt a little better, so I join. And I see him giving presentation, being social with his friends and nice to our teachers. And the feeling was growing back again.

Coincidentally, I had some bad things happened that day, and of course, that episode of his asking "How are you?" led to me opening up.

That was the time he got my "key", and I'm no longer a locked book.

Of course, eventually, he started to opening up too. And I knew a crucial secrets about him.

But it wasn't the answer to how I felt during our phone call.

And our relationships, became stronger. I guess.

He began to call me like I'm his 911.
I began to take care of him.

I began to take care of him.

And when I realized what I'm doing... The next thing I know, I'm looking for an exit, as soon as I can.

Because as much as I like him. There's no way I'm being in a relationships.

I don't want to have the responsible of taking care of someone.

I'm a free young independent woman. And I don't plan to sacrifice that anytime soon. Even if I do like someone, that doesn't mean I want to go full ride. I just want enough fling to entertain me.

Call me scared of commitment or anything, whatever. But right now, I prefer being friends with someone that doesn't require 24/7 of my attention.

And so it begins. My "drifting apart" plan.

I don't reply his text too soon anymore. I'd give it a day or two. Sometimes not at all.

I stopped telling and asking him stuffs.

And you know what, actually, it feels great. I'm back on my own feet. I got more things done. I'm happier. Just like before he came into my life. Just the way I like it.

And of course after awhile, he noticed.

Yesterday, he called me, asked me if he did something wrong.

I didn't have the nerves to answer.

But my best friend, advise me to just tell him the truth(s). Yes, the problem is, there are many other reasons why (that I don't actually mention here). But eventually I did build up the nerves. Bcs i learned on my past relationship, that a good lie is worse than an ugly truth.

So today, I chose the one truth that I thought would hurt him the least. The one about about how I don't want to be dependent on. And I repeat: I thought would hurt him the least.

And as luck would have it, that truth led him to tell me words that probably wasn't a nice thing to say.

He was so angry that he didn't want to admit that he is. And he simply just doesn't want to listen to what I have to say. At a mode like that, whatever I say will meant shits to him. So I just kept my mouth shut, and be nice with the opportunity I have left before he completely shut the door.

And yes, he shut the door. Pretty tight.

And in that moment is when I knew, the answer I've been looking for during our first phone call.

Which I'm not gonna elaborate it here.


So kids, just like that, a relationships ended. The relationship wasn't that long, but it was still something to remember.

An unexpected ending of course. But as it may sounds too selfish. I got what I want. Well maybe not the way it happened. I wished it ended less chaotic. But just like your Uncle R would say, I get what I give (credits to: New Radicals)

Despite everything, our story still have meanings into both of our life. Whatever it is. And of course I couldn't really let it go that easily too, hence the blog post. I need to let it all out, before I can walk in a different life tomorrow. But that's just what happened in a relationships. If one fails, there will always the next one. And a new lesson to learn.

Good night.

// ARSP
8/6/20
10:41 PM

PS: You may noticed that I wrote myself as the perpetrator of killing the relationships, but that's just the way I chose to write it. I'm a writer, I can shape your point of view however I want. ;)

“Seuntai Kisah dibawah Kubah” Episode: Anak Istimewa

“Seuntai Kisah dibawah Kubah”

Episode: Anak Istimewa

(Media Masjid Darussalam)

Daffa lahir pada tahun 2002, Ibu Fajri berumur 26 tahun. Karena Ibu adalah seorang psikolog, Ibu mempunyai feeling yang lebih sensitif, Ibu memiliki firasat ada yang unik dari Daffa, yang membuatnya berbeda. Awalnya Ibu hanya mengira kalau Daffa hanya hyperactive dan ADHD. Dan karena Ibu masih tetap seorang Ibu yang menginginkan Anak yang “biasa”, Ibu tetap ada rasa denial dan tidak mau menerima seutuhnya, tapi ketika ia memberanikan diri untuk periksa ke dokter, apa yang dikhawatirkannya memang terjadi. Daffa mengidap PDD-NOS  (Pervasive Developmental Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified) autisme syndrom disorder, ADHD, dan banyak lagi turunannya. Disaat itulah rumah idaman yang telah diidam-idamkan Ibu, yang baru saja dibangun fondasinya, harus runtuh seketika.

Orang tua Daffa sangat terpukul, “Ya Allah, saya nggak pernah minta Anak kayak gini…” dan ditambah serangan-serangan dari keluarga besar, tudingan-tudingan tidak mengenakan hati datang menyerang. Seperti tidak ada lagi jalan terang yang terlihat di depan sana. Tapi… Daffa adalah karunia dan anugerah dari Allah, banyak di luar sana yang menginginkan buah hati tapi tidak mendapatkannya, Allah mempercayakan Daffa kepada mereka untuk dititipi dan dirawat sampai akhir hayat. Jadi kenapa ketika mereka mendapatkan sebuah hadiah ini mereka malah menolaknya? Mereka yang telah melahirkan Daffa ke dunia ini, Daffa tidak punya salah apa-apa, ia juga tidak pernah meminta untuk lahir dalam keadaan seperti ini. Allah yang ingin. Daffa adalah produk Allah yang telah lulus syarat dan ketentuan untuk lahir di dunia. Seperti halnya aku dan kamu. Orang Tua Daffa pun sadar, mereka harus bertanggung jawab untuk anugerah Allah yang satu ini. Dan berjanji untuk menjaganya sebaik-baiknya.

Pada Umur Daffa yang ke-5 tahun, dan Khadijah (Adik Daffa) berumur 1 tahun. Babah Daffa harus menjemput rezekinya di Dhoha, Qatar. Dan satu keluarga kecil itu harus pindah mengikutinya. Sekali lagi, tantangan datang. Punya anak yang berkebutuhan khusus saja sudah merupakan tugas yang cukup berat. Dan kini mereka harus melakukannya seorang diri di negeri orang tanpa bantuan keluarga besar. Namun mereka percaya, pasti Ujian ini bisa mereka laksanakan.

Tantangan yang cukup berat adalah perihal pendidikan dan terapi. Qatar tidak mempunyai tenaga kerja yang bisa berbahasa Inggris cukup banyak, ataupun yang dapat menangani ABK. Sehingga sulit sekali untuk mendapatkan bantuan dari pihak ketiga. And it left Daffa’s mom with no choice, other than to thaught him herself. Meskipun Ibu adalah seorang psikolog, ia tidak terlalu paham dalam menangani seorang pasien langsung, jadi ia harus learn by doing, dan praktek latihannya adalah Anaknya sendiri.

Meskipun begitu, orang tua Daffa tetap ingin mencarikan Sekolah untuk Daffa. Akhirnya mereka coba memasukan Daffa ke satu sekolah, tapi ia harus mengikuti trial test dulu yang biaya untuk testnya saja sudah 10 juta sendiri, dan akhirnya mereka rela membayar… hanya untuk ditolak.

Orang tua Daffa tetap teguh, mereka harus bisa menemukan Sekolah yang cocok untuk Daffa. Babah Daffa sampai meminta bantuan kepada managernya, “How do you expect me to do a great work here when I worried about my child?” Dan Ibunya juga mencari-cari link untuk sekolah yang lain, bersama dengan para orang Tua Indonesia lainnya yang juga memiliki ABK.

Akhirnya mereka menemukan satu sekolah yang berada di perkampungan, yang mengaku akan memiliki fasilitas Special Needs Center setelah bangunan mereka diperbesar. Ibu Daffa dengan tidak sabar menunggu, dan terus mendorong-dorong bahkan ketika bangunannya sudah jadi tapi Kepala Sekolah belum menepati janjinya, karena ternyata ia sendiri juga memiliki kendala dalam mencari seorang guru spesialis ABK. Dan entah bagaimana caranya, Allah memanggil seseorang bergelar master dari Australia ke Sekolah itu dan menjadi sebuah solusi untuk semua orang tua itu. Akhirnya Daffa bisa Sekolah dan mendapat fasilitas dan penanganan yang layak.

Tapi qadarullah, Ujian datang lagi. Harga minyak turun, sehingga Qatar mengalami krisis ekonomi, yang membuat semua perusahaan tidak bisa membayar tenaga kerjanya dengan harga yang semestinya. Hal ini terjadi juga pada Sekolah Daffa, mereka tidak bisa menggaji guru-guru dengan selayaknya. Yang menyebabkan guru Daffa dalam Special Needs Center, harus pergi meninggalkan sekolah itu. Sehingga tidak ada lagi fasilitas Special Needs Center dan Daffa harus sekolah dengan penanganan reguler, tanpa bimbingan siapa-siapa.

Daffa kesal dan ingin pulang saja ke Indonesia. Tapi permintaannya ditolak oleh kedua orang tuanya, karena Babah Daffa belum mungkin untuk kembali kerja di Indonesia lagi. Selama dua tahun Daffa harus sekolah seperti anak-anak reguler, dan permintaannya untuk kembali ke Indonesia selalu ditolak. Tapi Daffa benar-benar ingin pulang, sampai ia rela bila memang harus sendirian di Indonesia. Akhirnya, orang tua Daffa pun tidak tega dan sadar kalau keinginan Daffa untuk bisa bersekolah dengan layak memang sangat kuat. Ibu dan Babah Daffa dengan sangat berat hati, harus berpisah dengan Daffa. Namun Adik Daffa, Khadijah, tidak mau berpisah dengan kakaknya, dan ia juga ikut pulang, meskipun Bahasa Indonesia saja tidak bisa.

Akhirnya Daffa dan Khadijah pulang ke Indonesia, tinggal bersama eyang dan embahnya. Bersekolah di Sekolah Global Mandiri CIbubur. Ibu dan Babah Daffa hanya bisa terus berdoa dari jauh dan mempercayakan mereka kepada Allah. Mereka percaya walaupun mereka tidak bersama di sisi Daffa dan Khadijah, mereka bisa berdoa kepada Yang Maha Kuasa, Yang Maha Pemilik Hati untuk keselamatan anak-anaknya di Indonesia. On the brightside, Daffa dan Khadijah pun tumbuh menjadi Anak yang mandiri.

Karena Ibu Daffa merawat dan menerapi Daffa seorang diri, Ibu Daffa dapat memberi seminar-seminar kepada orang tua-orang tua lainnya yang kesulitan menerapi anak-anak istimewanya, Ibu Daffa dapat memberikan solusi yang lebih jitu dibanding seorang terapis biasa, karena ia berhadapan langsung 24/7 dengan pasiennya. Ibu Daffa dan teman-teman alumni Psikologi UI juga mendirikan sebuah TK di Cipinang yang memberi fasilitas untuk ABK. Sekarang mereka membuat sebuah aplikasi bernama Sahabatku (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jCX-2tcdOI) yang menyediakan kounseling gratis kepada anak-anak remaja. 

Orang Tua Daffa jadi lebih Tahu makna bersyukur dan percaya akan janji Allah. Karena sendirian di Qatar, orang Tua Daffa jadi mempunyai waktu lebih banyak untuk memperhatikan Daffa. Ibu Daffa juga mengajarkan ngaji kedua anak-anaknya dan menanamkan nilai-nilai keimanan sedari kecil, sehingga Daffa pun sekarang rutin sholat di masjid dan menghafal Al-Qur’an (sekarang Sudah hafal 2 juz) walaupun suka marah ketika disuruh ulang-ulang ayat. Daffa sangat senang bila bisa mengerjakan ibadah wajib dan sunnah-sunnah Rasul, ia sangat ingin bisa sholat di shaf pertama tapi karena takut mengganggu jamaah yang lain, Babah Daffa selalu mengajaknya di shaf paling belakang dan di pojokan (walaupun pada akhirnya tidak berhasil).

• Quotes 

“Semua makhluk Allah itu sempurna. Cuma kita aja yang kepedan dan sok tau menyebut kita “normal”. Cuma manusia aja yang melabel-labelkan orang “ini” orang “itu”. Bagi Allah, tidak ada produk gagal.”