Broken Road

Kids, when you're 22, you will have a lot of relationships before you finally settle down. Many of which will failed and ended, and that's just part of growing up. Each person that you're in a relationship with is different. Different human, different body, different way of thinking, different experiences and stories. So each person always taught you something new from the relationships. A lesson that you will never learn with anybody else. But weirdly, each relationships always have the same template. Same steps, same phases. But just... Different results.

I've been in a couple relationships with a couple of colleagues at work, a couple of friends at community, but never with someone at university.

He was in the same class as me on one of my Psych class. It was a mixed class, so he who was in the 6th semester class was with my class in the 2nd semester. We only have 3 offline classes, before the Covid-19 happened and changed us to online classes.

When online classes begin to start, he asked me about an assignment, that was our first encounter. His first impression was kinda nice and kind. And with that impression, supports the idea of me seeing him as someone that I can see as my mentor. So I began to ask him about a lot of my assignments too. And after the trusts that grew between us, we began to talk personally.

So we entered the getting to know phase. He's a tutor. He's smart and genuine. He's spiritual too I think. He's nice, he supports a lot. He doesn't mind to spend his time helping someone. He's wise and mature. But with enough amount of sarcastic. And he fricking watched HIMYM. Of course, it wasn't long until I see him as my ideal man.

Until the ultimate one fact reveals.

He's 14 years older than me. When I thought he was only 2-3 years above me.

Of course it made me think. I never have a friendly gesture with someone in that line of generation before. I mean, I worked with many, but all of them are already married and only see me as a clueless kid. And it makes sense. I'm a decade below them. But he, he sees me differently. He sees what's really in me, and what I can become. So I'd think age gap doesn't really matter. That is of course, until what happened today. (We'll get that in a minute)

We began to develop a friendship, I guess. We began to talk almost everyday. He always makes a conversation, and sometimes so did I. And he... He always does this thing when he asked about how I am. Constantly. And it was more than the attention giving gestures of all my friends combine.

I don't know about you, but of course, as always, I see it as a mixed signals.

It was exciting to go to (online) class because I can see him.
I begin to tell my best friends about him, even my mom.
I'd write about him. And sing a song that's meant for him.
I'd be so proud about him.

And then, at some point he called me. And I answered. It was our first phone call.

We had a 4 hours conversation. And I noticed something... Odd.

Something that I can't quite describe.

But you know, when you begin to develop feelings for someone. There's always the blind spot.
That is probably always there, but you just don't address it. Sometimes even, you don't want to address it. So I did ignore that big sign that I'd need in the future.

After the phone call, I still feel kinda weird. I'm skipping our class, because it's still uncomfortable to see him.
And the following week, I begin to avoid him, a little. Until we had our next class. But that time I felt a little better, so I join. And I see him giving presentation, being social with his friends and nice to our teachers. And the feeling was growing back again.

Coincidentally, I had some bad things happened that day, and of course, that episode of his asking "How are you?" led to me opening up.

That was the time he got my "key", and I'm no longer a locked book.

Of course, eventually, he started to opening up too. And I knew a crucial secrets about him.

But it wasn't the answer to how I felt during our phone call.

And our relationships, became stronger. I guess.

He began to call me like I'm his 911.
I began to take care of him.

I began to take care of him.

And when I realized what I'm doing... The next thing I know, I'm looking for an exit, as soon as I can.

Because as much as I like him. There's no way I'm being in a relationships.

I don't want to have the responsible of taking care of someone.

I'm a free young independent woman. And I don't plan to sacrifice that anytime soon. Even if I do like someone, that doesn't mean I want to go full ride. I just want enough fling to entertain me.

Call me scared of commitment or anything, whatever. But right now, I prefer being friends with someone that doesn't require 24/7 of my attention.

And so it begins. My "drifting apart" plan.

I don't reply his text too soon anymore. I'd give it a day or two. Sometimes not at all.

I stopped telling and asking him stuffs.

And you know what, actually, it feels great. I'm back on my own feet. I got more things done. I'm happier. Just like before he came into my life. Just the way I like it.

And of course after awhile, he noticed.

Yesterday, he called me, asked me if he did something wrong.

I didn't have the nerves to answer.

But my best friend, advise me to just tell him the truth(s). Yes, the problem is, there are many other reasons why (that I don't actually mention here). But eventually I did build up the nerves. Bcs i learned on my past relationship, that a good lie is worse than an ugly truth.

So today, I chose the one truth that I thought would hurt him the least. The one about about how I don't want to be dependent on. And I repeat: I thought would hurt him the least.

And as luck would have it, that truth led him to tell me words that probably wasn't a nice thing to say.

He was so angry that he didn't want to admit that he is. And he simply just doesn't want to listen to what I have to say. At a mode like that, whatever I say will meant shits to him. So I just kept my mouth shut, and be nice with the opportunity I have left before he completely shut the door.

And yes, he shut the door. Pretty tight.

And in that moment is when I knew, the answer I've been looking for during our first phone call.

Which I'm not gonna elaborate it here.


So kids, just like that, a relationships ended. The relationship wasn't that long, but it was still something to remember.

An unexpected ending of course. But as it may sounds too selfish. I got what I want. Well maybe not the way it happened. I wished it ended less chaotic. But just like your Uncle R would say, I get what I give (credits to: New Radicals)

Despite everything, our story still have meanings into both of our life. Whatever it is. And of course I couldn't really let it go that easily too, hence the blog post. I need to let it all out, before I can walk in a different life tomorrow. But that's just what happened in a relationships. If one fails, there will always the next one. And a new lesson to learn.

Good night.

// ARSP
8/6/20
10:41 PM

PS: You may noticed that I wrote myself as the perpetrator of killing the relationships, but that's just the way I chose to write it. I'm a writer, I can shape your point of view however I want. ;)